A memorable night - 2 arrests

This morning after work, I kept on sighing (mengeluh) when I thought back on how horrible the nights had been. However after a while, I soon realized what's to sigh about... I felt embarrassed with myself and more importantly towards Allah. I should be sincere with my work and even though it had been rough, maybe there is good behind it. Maybe Allah wants to test me during this blessed month of Ramadhan. And I should engrain deeply in my mind that Allah hates people who sigh.

Last night, it started off quiet. A few patients came to ED but there were only minor cases. I spent most of the early part of the night surfing the net. However at 0415 am when I was just thinking about eating my sahur, the crash alarm went off which meant someone was having a cardiac arrest. It turned out to be in ICU and when I arrived there the nurses had already started chest compressions as per the CPR protocol. We tried our best for 15 min when we finally stopped and declared him dead.

At 0715 to my horror, another crash alarm went off, again in ICU. I ran up from ED so fast I thought I could win the marathon (lol... exaggerating mode ON). Anyway on a serious note, when I arrived as usual the nurses had already started CPR, and we worked on him for about 5 min, gave him a shot of adrenaline and I intubated him when suddenly he 'came back', he started breathing and his heart started to beat again. Alhamdulillah!!

What made that night memorable was 2 cardiac arrests in one night is just so rare (in this hospital that is). And it was my first time ever to deal with it during night duty when I was the only doctor in the hospital. The consultants arrived when the actions were over. I learnt a lot despite the initial fright. I didn't even have time to panic which was a good thing lol... Just get into action. Thank you Allah for helping me in such difficult times.

Rough night...

I missed the subuh prayer this morning... I'm bathed with guilt... O' Allah I'm so weak. In my earlier posts prior to Ramadhan I described about how my 'hati nda tenang', since then I promised myself not to leave daily prayers...

3 down, 4 more nights to go... Last night was rough! Patients kept on coming so much so I thought I've seen half of this town's population. I started work at 11pm and I was already greeted with 2 admissions. 10 min later, an unconscious kid arrived via ambulance, followed by a lady with heart racing up to >200 beats/min. While I was stabilizing the lady, every cubicle (9 altogether) in the emergency department (ED) was occupied. Cleared a few, more came to fill in the space... I finally cleared ED by 6.30am! at this time I still had to write notes on patients whom I sent home since I didn't get the chance earlier. At 7am another chest pain arrived... Initially I lost count on the number of patients I admitted!! Alhamdulillah the patients in the ward were behaving themselves otherwise it would have been a real nightmare. Night shifts are tough because you're the only doctor covering the entire hospital (~100 beds). Some nights are really quiet but so far I've been kept quite busy.

I usually pack food for sahur... last night I only had time to eat a few spoons of the mee goreng. But Alhamdulillah I still had sahur. However I missed the subuh prayer. I should have left the patients for a few minutes once I know they're stable. O' Allah my Iman is so weak. I didn't set my priorities right... You Allah helped me to go through last night but did I thank You? Instead I missed my 'appointment' with You. Forgive me O' Allah... guide me to the right path. The path that pleases You.

Al-Baqarah (2: 238)
"Guard strictly (five obligatory) As-Salawat (the prayers) especially the middle Salat. And stand before Allah with obedience."

Another set of night shift

Tonight I'll be starting another set (7 nights) of night shift. A bit anxious but not as bad as anticipating the first one a few months ago. May Allah make this week easier for me Amin...

After finishing this task, I'll be leaving for home for my 3 weeks holiday. May my holiday spending Ramadhan in Brunei with my family be blessed by Allah. Two things can happen at home depending on my ability to control my nafs (nafsu). First, i could become slack with Brunei preparing for Hari Raya, with having a car making it easy for me to go shopping, lots of special TV programmes (the so-called Ramadhan/Raya special), lots of food tempting me to buy and eat lots. May Allah protect me from being slack. The second possibility is that with the support of my family, relatives, friends and Muslimin in Brunei, i'll be able to observe the month of Ramadhan with more taqwa. Furthermore being on leave from work means I have more time for Allah. My aim is for the later and that is the main purpose I decided to go home. May Allah give me strength to control my nafs and not destroy my initial intention. Amin...

Reflect on what we asked for

Du'a is very important in the life of a Muslim. We're asking from Allah our needs and our hopes, and in a way we're declaring that we're very reliant towards Allah on every aspect of our lives. It's logic... if we're that self-reliant, we don't really need to ask for help. But we're not... because we will always ask for help one way or another. Rasulullah SAW used to say "du'a is a weapon for the Muslimin - doa ialah senjata orang Muslim."

Al-Baqarah (2:186)
Allah said: "and when My slaves ask you concerning Me, tell them I am near. I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me. So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright."

Allah will respond to our du'a as long as we obey Allah and believe in Him.

However have we ever reflected on what we asked for? In our society, we always want to excel in our academic performance, have good jobs, good money, nice car etc etc... We pray to Allah to continue/increase His provisions towards us (murahkan rezeki) so that we can achieve our ambition. This is not wrong but the weakness of du'a like this is that it's only for this world.

Ask ourselves what's our final destination?? We die and then we have the HereAfter (Akhirah) to wait for. What's our goal? Paradise or otherwise? So when we say our du'a we should always ask for both of this world and also Akhirah. When we asked Allah to murahkan rezeki, we must think of the aim of asking for the increased rezeki i.e. so that we are able to spend it for Allah's cause (e.g. to help our parents, the poor, the orphans, to share our knowledge with others, to help our society with the job Allah gave us, etc). May Allah guides us to the right path.

Al-Baqarah (2:200 -202)
'...But of mankind there are some who say: "Our Lord! Give us Your Bounties in this world!" and for them there is no portion in the Hereafter.'
'And some of them say: "Our Lord! Give us in this world and also in the Hereafter that which is good, and save us from the torment of the Fire.'
'For them there will be alloted a share for what they have earned...'

Keep going... keep going...

I am truly tired today. Had spent the whole day assisting in operating theatre, 2 big operations and a few minor ones... My feet are aching, my shoulders' sore...
In terms of my prayers, i feel I'm slack today because of this. My khusyuk during solat was disrupted to a certain extent today. Have I tried my best to focus? Maybe not... I should try harder... This is exactly what I'm scared of... Physically tired from doing worldly matters to the extent of affecting our preparation for Akhirah... Should it be like this? I don't think so. If my Iman is strong enough I should be able to withstand this no matter how tired my body feels. Rasulullah SAW himself used to pray until his feet were swollen.

Narrated Al-Mughira: The Prophet used to stand (in the prayer) or pray till both his feet or legs swelled. He was asked why (he offered such an unbearable prayer) and he said, "should I not be a thankful slave." (Sahih Bukhari)

It shows how weak I am still... Being tired doesn't mean we should decrease our ibadah and it isn't an excuse for not being khusyuk in our solat. We should remember Allah in good and bad times and we should be more patient (sabar). May Allah give me strength to overcome this test.

Al-Baqarah (2:152)
"Therefore remember Me (Allah), I will remember you, and be grateful to Me and never be ungrateful."

Al-Baqarah (2:153)
"O you who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salat. Truly! Allah is with the As-Sabirun (the patient/sabar)."

Ramadhan Kareem

Here we are again in another bless-full month of Ramadhan. Ramadhan Kareem means generous Ramadhan in which Allah has promised wonderful great rewards to Muslims who observe and practice good deeds.

Narrated Abu Huraira: Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said, "When the month of Ramadan comes, the gates of Paradise are opened and the gates of the (Hell) Fire are closed, and the devils are chained." (Translation of sahih Bukhari Vol 4 Book 54 No.497)

Ramadhan is a special month and hence let us not make it similar to any other month. Let us reduce the time spent on worldly needs and pleasures. Instead lets feed our suffering souls by remembering Allah and increasing the amount of good deeds. May Allah give us hidayah.

Al-Baqarah (2:183)
"O you who believe! Fasting is prescribed to you as it was prescribed to those before you, that you may learn self-restraint"

Let us remind ourselves together and not be someone who reminds others of amar maaruf nahi munkar (doing good deeds and forbidding from sin) but we ourselves fail to do it. Nau'zubillah...

Al-Baqarah (2:44)
"Enjoin you Al- Birr (piety and righteousness and each and every act of obedience to Allah) on the people and you forget to practice it yourselves..."

Narrated Abu Wail: Usama heard Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said, "A man will be brought on the Day of Resurrection and thrown in the (Hell) Fire, so that his intestines will come out, and he will go around like a donkey goes around a millstone. The people of (Hell) Fire will gather around him and say: O so-and-so! What is wrong with you? Didn't you use to order us to do good deeds and forbid us to do bad deeds? He will reply: Yes, I used to order you to do good deeds, but I did not do them myself, and I used to forbid you to do bad deeds, yet I used to do them myself." (Translation of sahih Bukhari - Vol 4 Book 54 No.489)

A marvellous weekend, a cruisy week

Went to Dunedin last weekend, it was wonderful. Had LOADS of fun... Watched Ratatoulli (loved the movie!!) - anyone can cook ;) Played monopoly till the early hours of dawn lol.. aku manang!! They said ku gila harta but who cares, the main thing is ku manang :P... I've never won that game until that night. That was fun. Thanks girls for the great game.... 2 weekends ago in Christchurch I played with Zanna tapi kalah... Start with monopoly... and maybe one day I can be one of the major players in the real estate business ...who knows... heheh I can dream... but aren't all achievements started with dreaming??? self motivation, effort and rezeki Allah will then determine whether the dream can come true.

I'm having a cruisy week so far, but it's only Tuesday...

Canoe, pantai, Brunei...

Last weekend in Christchurch, Zanna, Naz and I went canoeing in one of the small rivers in the city centre. Fun!!! It was so easy too ;) haha I want to 'mark' it as my new hobby, if only I can do enough of it... I've always wanted to go canoeing or kayaking but never got the chance to until last week when Zanna came up with this brilliant idea :P

I've always loved the water... however ironically I can't swim lol... When I was little, I used to play at the beach near my grandparents' home in Penanjong. When the adults were busy fishing 'mengikis', we (the kids) spent hours playing with water and sand at the shore. However now Pantai Penanjong has undergone major reconstruction due to erosion. Hopefully one of these days dad would allow me to join him fishing 'ke laut bejaul or mengandang'. It's one of his long time hobby.

Buy hey, aren't Bruneians supposed to be very familiar with the sea/ water. Historically Brunei's centre of administration was on the Brunei river (Brunei's Kg Ayer). Most of our elderlies originated from the Kg. Ayer before they migrated ke darat (to the lands).
In Sanskrit, the word ‘Varunai’ means ‘seaborn’ – seafarers, mariners and living on water (Kampong Ayer) - from bruneiresources.blogspot.com

Am I losing it...

I've decided to go home this Ramadhan (mid Ramadhan to be exact). I don't think I need to justify my reason for going but people keep on asking. "Wouldn't it be a waste of money?," they said. Is there a problem with that? My money, my time, my lost... not theirs. I'm not such an impulsive person who do things without thinking about the pros and cons first... I've thought about this over and over, and initially my plan was just to stay here and wait for December until it's time to go home for good. However things aren't that straight forward for me... Read my previous post... that's the reason why I insisted to go home... My hati dah nda tenteram, I need to go home and 'find myself again' and Ramadhan is a good month to do just that.

My spiritual need is suffering... I've tried my best to overcome it by sembahyang, bezikir etc etc... It's working but I need to work harder. Being with my family and spending the Ramadhan together will hopefully boost it even more. God bless...

7 years... I could continue to be here longer if I want to... continue training and go home as a Consultant instead of a mere House officer... but what's the rush huh? My thinking anyway... others might not like the way I'm thinking... I could go mad at this rate... I might snap!...

Society emphasizes so much on earning good money, more and more money... going for higher positions ASAP... but in doing so, we overlooked the basic human need as a Muslim.. what's the purpose of us being in this world?? We know the answer to that but we continuously forget when we're trying to strive for the world. Sigh... my ranting is probably just me not entirely happy with work at the moment... I need a break to recuperate... 4 more weeks to go... I'm happy with that thought (^_^)