Mid way through 2009 already???

May 2009... Hmm The last post I wrote here was in Nov 2007. Where had the past 1.5 years gone to? Like cars which are getting faster and faster nowadays, time has seemed to upgrade itself to a higher speed too! I don't know if any of you noticed, but time flies by very fast nowadays...

My poor abandoned blogspot $@#^&* I plan to make it active again...

I'm home now. New Zealand has become my past life since 1.5 years ago. Yet it is still very much in my heart...

Currently I'm blending myself into the health community here. I'm content with the path that I've chosen in this career. I'm training to be a GP.

The other part of my life is.... hmm.... let's just say I didn't expect things to become quite complicated... but then who said life is easy??

Seafood galore

Had a very satisfying dinner last night. Fresh mussels!!! We worked hard for our food ;) we picked the mussels ourselves. Yesterday me and Erica went to one of the rocky beaches here. We went during the low tide and picked some decent sized mussels. There were a lot of them. After eating those fresh mussels, frozen mussels would never taste the same again. The fresh mussels were heavenly yummy lol... we boiled them in plain water and ate them just like that +/- a bit of fresh lemon juice. Cepat dimasak sedap dimakan hehe

Went home to Brunei and now back in NZ. Time flies so fast... Still Syawal... Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri maaf zahir dan batin. Remember forgive people everyday not just during Syawal. Forgive people before we go to sleep everyday InsyaAllah we'll be happier.

A memorable night - 2 arrests

This morning after work, I kept on sighing (mengeluh) when I thought back on how horrible the nights had been. However after a while, I soon realized what's to sigh about... I felt embarrassed with myself and more importantly towards Allah. I should be sincere with my work and even though it had been rough, maybe there is good behind it. Maybe Allah wants to test me during this blessed month of Ramadhan. And I should engrain deeply in my mind that Allah hates people who sigh.

Last night, it started off quiet. A few patients came to ED but there were only minor cases. I spent most of the early part of the night surfing the net. However at 0415 am when I was just thinking about eating my sahur, the crash alarm went off which meant someone was having a cardiac arrest. It turned out to be in ICU and when I arrived there the nurses had already started chest compressions as per the CPR protocol. We tried our best for 15 min when we finally stopped and declared him dead.

At 0715 to my horror, another crash alarm went off, again in ICU. I ran up from ED so fast I thought I could win the marathon (lol... exaggerating mode ON). Anyway on a serious note, when I arrived as usual the nurses had already started CPR, and we worked on him for about 5 min, gave him a shot of adrenaline and I intubated him when suddenly he 'came back', he started breathing and his heart started to beat again. Alhamdulillah!!

What made that night memorable was 2 cardiac arrests in one night is just so rare (in this hospital that is). And it was my first time ever to deal with it during night duty when I was the only doctor in the hospital. The consultants arrived when the actions were over. I learnt a lot despite the initial fright. I didn't even have time to panic which was a good thing lol... Just get into action. Thank you Allah for helping me in such difficult times.

Rough night...

I missed the subuh prayer this morning... I'm bathed with guilt... O' Allah I'm so weak. In my earlier posts prior to Ramadhan I described about how my 'hati nda tenang', since then I promised myself not to leave daily prayers...

3 down, 4 more nights to go... Last night was rough! Patients kept on coming so much so I thought I've seen half of this town's population. I started work at 11pm and I was already greeted with 2 admissions. 10 min later, an unconscious kid arrived via ambulance, followed by a lady with heart racing up to >200 beats/min. While I was stabilizing the lady, every cubicle (9 altogether) in the emergency department (ED) was occupied. Cleared a few, more came to fill in the space... I finally cleared ED by 6.30am! at this time I still had to write notes on patients whom I sent home since I didn't get the chance earlier. At 7am another chest pain arrived... Initially I lost count on the number of patients I admitted!! Alhamdulillah the patients in the ward were behaving themselves otherwise it would have been a real nightmare. Night shifts are tough because you're the only doctor covering the entire hospital (~100 beds). Some nights are really quiet but so far I've been kept quite busy.

I usually pack food for sahur... last night I only had time to eat a few spoons of the mee goreng. But Alhamdulillah I still had sahur. However I missed the subuh prayer. I should have left the patients for a few minutes once I know they're stable. O' Allah my Iman is so weak. I didn't set my priorities right... You Allah helped me to go through last night but did I thank You? Instead I missed my 'appointment' with You. Forgive me O' Allah... guide me to the right path. The path that pleases You.

Al-Baqarah (2: 238)
"Guard strictly (five obligatory) As-Salawat (the prayers) especially the middle Salat. And stand before Allah with obedience."

Another set of night shift

Tonight I'll be starting another set (7 nights) of night shift. A bit anxious but not as bad as anticipating the first one a few months ago. May Allah make this week easier for me Amin...

After finishing this task, I'll be leaving for home for my 3 weeks holiday. May my holiday spending Ramadhan in Brunei with my family be blessed by Allah. Two things can happen at home depending on my ability to control my nafs (nafsu). First, i could become slack with Brunei preparing for Hari Raya, with having a car making it easy for me to go shopping, lots of special TV programmes (the so-called Ramadhan/Raya special), lots of food tempting me to buy and eat lots. May Allah protect me from being slack. The second possibility is that with the support of my family, relatives, friends and Muslimin in Brunei, i'll be able to observe the month of Ramadhan with more taqwa. Furthermore being on leave from work means I have more time for Allah. My aim is for the later and that is the main purpose I decided to go home. May Allah give me strength to control my nafs and not destroy my initial intention. Amin...

Reflect on what we asked for

Du'a is very important in the life of a Muslim. We're asking from Allah our needs and our hopes, and in a way we're declaring that we're very reliant towards Allah on every aspect of our lives. It's logic... if we're that self-reliant, we don't really need to ask for help. But we're not... because we will always ask for help one way or another. Rasulullah SAW used to say "du'a is a weapon for the Muslimin - doa ialah senjata orang Muslim."

Al-Baqarah (2:186)
Allah said: "and when My slaves ask you concerning Me, tell them I am near. I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me. So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright."

Allah will respond to our du'a as long as we obey Allah and believe in Him.

However have we ever reflected on what we asked for? In our society, we always want to excel in our academic performance, have good jobs, good money, nice car etc etc... We pray to Allah to continue/increase His provisions towards us (murahkan rezeki) so that we can achieve our ambition. This is not wrong but the weakness of du'a like this is that it's only for this world.

Ask ourselves what's our final destination?? We die and then we have the HereAfter (Akhirah) to wait for. What's our goal? Paradise or otherwise? So when we say our du'a we should always ask for both of this world and also Akhirah. When we asked Allah to murahkan rezeki, we must think of the aim of asking for the increased rezeki i.e. so that we are able to spend it for Allah's cause (e.g. to help our parents, the poor, the orphans, to share our knowledge with others, to help our society with the job Allah gave us, etc). May Allah guides us to the right path.

Al-Baqarah (2:200 -202)
'...But of mankind there are some who say: "Our Lord! Give us Your Bounties in this world!" and for them there is no portion in the Hereafter.'
'And some of them say: "Our Lord! Give us in this world and also in the Hereafter that which is good, and save us from the torment of the Fire.'
'For them there will be alloted a share for what they have earned...'

Keep going... keep going...

I am truly tired today. Had spent the whole day assisting in operating theatre, 2 big operations and a few minor ones... My feet are aching, my shoulders' sore...
In terms of my prayers, i feel I'm slack today because of this. My khusyuk during solat was disrupted to a certain extent today. Have I tried my best to focus? Maybe not... I should try harder... This is exactly what I'm scared of... Physically tired from doing worldly matters to the extent of affecting our preparation for Akhirah... Should it be like this? I don't think so. If my Iman is strong enough I should be able to withstand this no matter how tired my body feels. Rasulullah SAW himself used to pray until his feet were swollen.

Narrated Al-Mughira: The Prophet used to stand (in the prayer) or pray till both his feet or legs swelled. He was asked why (he offered such an unbearable prayer) and he said, "should I not be a thankful slave." (Sahih Bukhari)

It shows how weak I am still... Being tired doesn't mean we should decrease our ibadah and it isn't an excuse for not being khusyuk in our solat. We should remember Allah in good and bad times and we should be more patient (sabar). May Allah give me strength to overcome this test.

Al-Baqarah (2:152)
"Therefore remember Me (Allah), I will remember you, and be grateful to Me and never be ungrateful."

Al-Baqarah (2:153)
"O you who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salat. Truly! Allah is with the As-Sabirun (the patient/sabar)."

Ramadhan Kareem

Here we are again in another bless-full month of Ramadhan. Ramadhan Kareem means generous Ramadhan in which Allah has promised wonderful great rewards to Muslims who observe and practice good deeds.

Narrated Abu Huraira: Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said, "When the month of Ramadan comes, the gates of Paradise are opened and the gates of the (Hell) Fire are closed, and the devils are chained." (Translation of sahih Bukhari Vol 4 Book 54 No.497)

Ramadhan is a special month and hence let us not make it similar to any other month. Let us reduce the time spent on worldly needs and pleasures. Instead lets feed our suffering souls by remembering Allah and increasing the amount of good deeds. May Allah give us hidayah.

Al-Baqarah (2:183)
"O you who believe! Fasting is prescribed to you as it was prescribed to those before you, that you may learn self-restraint"

Let us remind ourselves together and not be someone who reminds others of amar maaruf nahi munkar (doing good deeds and forbidding from sin) but we ourselves fail to do it. Nau'zubillah...

Al-Baqarah (2:44)
"Enjoin you Al- Birr (piety and righteousness and each and every act of obedience to Allah) on the people and you forget to practice it yourselves..."

Narrated Abu Wail: Usama heard Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said, "A man will be brought on the Day of Resurrection and thrown in the (Hell) Fire, so that his intestines will come out, and he will go around like a donkey goes around a millstone. The people of (Hell) Fire will gather around him and say: O so-and-so! What is wrong with you? Didn't you use to order us to do good deeds and forbid us to do bad deeds? He will reply: Yes, I used to order you to do good deeds, but I did not do them myself, and I used to forbid you to do bad deeds, yet I used to do them myself." (Translation of sahih Bukhari - Vol 4 Book 54 No.489)

A marvellous weekend, a cruisy week

Went to Dunedin last weekend, it was wonderful. Had LOADS of fun... Watched Ratatoulli (loved the movie!!) - anyone can cook ;) Played monopoly till the early hours of dawn lol.. aku manang!! They said ku gila harta but who cares, the main thing is ku manang :P... I've never won that game until that night. That was fun. Thanks girls for the great game.... 2 weekends ago in Christchurch I played with Zanna tapi kalah... Start with monopoly... and maybe one day I can be one of the major players in the real estate business ...who knows... heheh I can dream... but aren't all achievements started with dreaming??? self motivation, effort and rezeki Allah will then determine whether the dream can come true.

I'm having a cruisy week so far, but it's only Tuesday...

Canoe, pantai, Brunei...

Last weekend in Christchurch, Zanna, Naz and I went canoeing in one of the small rivers in the city centre. Fun!!! It was so easy too ;) haha I want to 'mark' it as my new hobby, if only I can do enough of it... I've always wanted to go canoeing or kayaking but never got the chance to until last week when Zanna came up with this brilliant idea :P

I've always loved the water... however ironically I can't swim lol... When I was little, I used to play at the beach near my grandparents' home in Penanjong. When the adults were busy fishing 'mengikis', we (the kids) spent hours playing with water and sand at the shore. However now Pantai Penanjong has undergone major reconstruction due to erosion. Hopefully one of these days dad would allow me to join him fishing 'ke laut bejaul or mengandang'. It's one of his long time hobby.

Buy hey, aren't Bruneians supposed to be very familiar with the sea/ water. Historically Brunei's centre of administration was on the Brunei river (Brunei's Kg Ayer). Most of our elderlies originated from the Kg. Ayer before they migrated ke darat (to the lands).
In Sanskrit, the word ‘Varunai’ means ‘seaborn’ – seafarers, mariners and living on water (Kampong Ayer) - from bruneiresources.blogspot.com

Am I losing it...

I've decided to go home this Ramadhan (mid Ramadhan to be exact). I don't think I need to justify my reason for going but people keep on asking. "Wouldn't it be a waste of money?," they said. Is there a problem with that? My money, my time, my lost... not theirs. I'm not such an impulsive person who do things without thinking about the pros and cons first... I've thought about this over and over, and initially my plan was just to stay here and wait for December until it's time to go home for good. However things aren't that straight forward for me... Read my previous post... that's the reason why I insisted to go home... My hati dah nda tenteram, I need to go home and 'find myself again' and Ramadhan is a good month to do just that.

My spiritual need is suffering... I've tried my best to overcome it by sembahyang, bezikir etc etc... It's working but I need to work harder. Being with my family and spending the Ramadhan together will hopefully boost it even more. God bless...

7 years... I could continue to be here longer if I want to... continue training and go home as a Consultant instead of a mere House officer... but what's the rush huh? My thinking anyway... others might not like the way I'm thinking... I could go mad at this rate... I might snap!...

Society emphasizes so much on earning good money, more and more money... going for higher positions ASAP... but in doing so, we overlooked the basic human need as a Muslim.. what's the purpose of us being in this world?? We know the answer to that but we continuously forget when we're trying to strive for the world. Sigh... my ranting is probably just me not entirely happy with work at the moment... I need a break to recuperate... 4 more weeks to go... I'm happy with that thought (^_^)

Adakah hati kita sihat?

Have you ever felt like there's something wrong with you but you don't know what it is? Recently I've felt this way... Fikiran kusut, hati nda tenang... Tapi nda tahu kenapa... Badan pun selalu rasa letih... Nda rasa sihat langsung... Until I realised lately ni kewajipan terhadapNya sering kali dilalaikan. Tuntutan kerja membuatkan aku penat!! Penat dan sibuk sangat sampaikan terleka dari mengingatiNya. Kita selalu terleka dengan kesibukkan dunia hingga lupa untuk mensyukuri nikmatNya. Bukankan pekerjaan atu sumber rezeki yang merupakan salah satu dari nikmat yang Allah berikan?? Allah inda lupakan kita dengan memberi nikmat ani tapi sebaliknya kita jadikan pekerjaan sebagai alasan untuk lupa kepadaNya. Kita sepatutnya malu kepada Allah.

Hati adalah anugerah Allah. Rasa sayang, cinta, sedih, happy, excited... semua datang dari hati. Macam dalam filem soal hati "apa guna ada hati kalau tak dapat merasa" ;) Tapi kalau hati kita tak tenang, kusut... automatically our whole being doesn't feel right. Sebagai Muslim, ketenangan hati hanya dapat dicapai dengan mendekatkan diri kepada Allah dan mengingatiNya selalu. Mudahan kita kan menjadi hambaNya yang sentiasa ingat kepadaNya dan berada dalam keredhaanNya jua. Amin.

P/S: Zanna, pinjam ur seashells ;) I took this while u guys were doing ur study group.

Hargailah warga emas kita

Roda kehidupan... everyone will get old eventually... I work and interact with the elderly all the time. A majority of the patients in the hospital are the elderly. I may not remember all of their names but some of the elderly patients would remain in my memory forever. Some of them had chronic medical conditions and they kept on coming back to the hospital, each time with an exacerbation of their illness. Eventually I got to know them and their family quite well...

Just recently my grandma was admitted to the hospital back home. My dad said that she's fine but I can't help feeling worried. All I can do from here is pray for her health. Dad said that she's a bit confused in the hospital. She kept thinking that she's at home and worried that she hasn't done her daily routine such as daily prayers, cooking for grandpa, etc etc. I think the main reason why she's confused is because she's in an unfamiliar environment. I miss her terribly, feels like I want to fly home right now.

When we asked our elderly relative to follow our instructions usually for their well-being and safety and they refused; we said they are being stubborn. Has it ever occurred to us that they also have a mind of their own?? They have lived up to 80 - 90++ and have always been independent all their life, suddenly we're taking away bit by bit that very thing that keeps their spirits up; telling them they can't do this and that anymore. Of course they're gonna protest. Usually they listen to us if we reason with them gently. Let them do the basic things they always do like cooking for the family, get them a helper if able so that the burden of their work is very much reduced. Monitor them but don't interfere too much... Just think how would you feel if you're in their shoes?? If they don't want to go to the hospital for minor problems, let them be... it's their choice. We must remember, they might be physically weak because of their age, but they still have their own mind. Keep them happy and smiling... Make them feel that their effort for bringing us up is worthwhile and they've done a good job. Love them unconditionally.

Dunedin next week... BBQ yummy

Syidah texted me this morning asking if I would be going to Dunedin next week. She said if I'm free she's keen to come and visit me in Timaru. However I have decided earlier that I'm going down to Dunedin next week and actually planning to do a small BBQ at their place. I'm soooo looking forward to it. Ayam BBQ!!!! My stomach's growling already just thinking about it. Girls... wait for me... jangan start makan without me ah :P

Up is down

For those who had watched 'Pirates of the Caribbean - At World's end' would probably understand why I titled this post 'up is down'. I've just finished my first set of night shifts - 7 days in a row working from 11pm till 8am the next day. A very new and amazing experience for me. Of course initially I was extremely apprehensive about it. For those who have lended their ears listening to me whinning about it would know just how apprehensive I was. But now I've successfully completed this task (and being the first of the first year houseofficers to actually have done this), I could give myself a pat at the shoulder and smile with pride. It was an accomplishment indeed. Doing night oncall means that houseofficer is the only doctor covering the whole hospital (Emergency, medical, surgical, O&G, paediatric, ICU & CCU, rehab ward and psych). I think I coped with it very well. I was based in ED because all patients would have to come through ED but I would be called every now and then to the wards when they're problems there. Some nights were quiet but when it's busy it was damn busy.

Being awake at night and catching up with sleep during daytime (hence up is down - day is night) was a difficult task initially but now that I've gotten used to the new routine, I have trouble going back to the old one. I couldn't sleep at all tonight... I lay in bed listening to my iPod, while my mind's racing thinking about lots of stuff... I thought of going out for a run but it's too freezing cold outside. Sigh...

Fasten your seatbelt friend, we're travelling together ;)

A friend told me "friendship is a journey, the destination is not important. What's important is who you're 'travelling' with in that journey." This is a beautiful statement about friendship... friendship plays a big part in our life. Friends 'hold our hands' when we're in trouble, lend their shoulders for us to cry on without expecting anything in return. Friendship is all about giving and taking... Sincere friendship can bring great things... motivation, hope, moral support. Betul tak??? ;)

This pic has nothing to do with this post. This photo is taken by me ;) lawa right hehe... when we went for the gondola ride in Christchurch.

Salam June...

My last entry was at end of April... now it's already June. Where did May go?? May was undoubtedly one of the busiest months for me but despite that I enjoyed it. Stressful but hughly satisfying. Those were the days when I was still doing my medical rotation.. Nowadays I'm a surgical houseofficer... not too bad but oh boy how i miss medical.. Anyway to cut story short, I think I'm a born physician... so surgical is just another part of the training for me before I go further into my career. But enough on that stuff eh...

How's life for everyone? To those who still pop their heads in this blog every now and then, thanks so much. I visited my buddies in Christchurch last week haha... Zanna, naz and nurus ;) we're buddies aye girls lol... That's what my colleague called u guys... When you guys drove me back to Timaru last week, Mohammed (my colleague a.k.a consultant) saw us driving down the Timaru main street. He saw girls wearing headscarf in a car (which is of course a rare sight in this small country town) and thought to himself "that must be Nora and her buddies" haha. Anyway I miss u girls, have a great holiday in Brunei... I envy u guys lahhh... I wanna go home jua!!! ;)

Hamner Springs

Here I am back in Timaru... Had my Monday blues as usual especially after the fun weekend. Hamner Springs was really great, and it's such a beautiful tiny town. We stayed at a brand new motel for a night, bathed in the hot pools (we got the private pools), had a few treatments such as facial, massage and steam. I didn't get photos inside the pools area but here are a few pics of the town...

Dah ada plan for this weekend... ;)

In my earlier post today I was whinning a bit on how bored I am today, and whether I should go to Christchurch, Dunedin or just stay here this weekend. Well, Zanna solved the problem for me heheh ;) She rang me this afternoon telling me that I should come to Christchurch this weekend and join them for the trip to Hamner Spring! Hamner Spring is one of the main attractions in the South Island of NZ with its hot water spring. I'm soooo excited ;) InsyaAllah I'll post a few pics from the trip here next week.